***Self LOVE***
Jan 19, 2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LflupJ6jFbM

seeing them and I was like oh that's how
so good and then I forgot to write him
down so now I gotta go back and look at
my messages but it's okay I'll get it
[Music]
[Music]
welcome to Friday
Wow you guys today it has been a really
long very oh my gosh you know my glasses
are gonna start up very
uninventive but very how do I say this
without making it sound so today has
been a very good productive day but it's
been a very uneventful day so today um
[Music]
as you guys seen from the video I was
monetized yay so with that I did a lot
of a lot of researching and things like
that cuz I just want to make sure that
I'm doing everything right and you know
there's a lot of reading to that and a
lot of YouTube watching of different
tutorials about explaining things that I
might not understand you know the jiff
so today I really didn't vlog much
because I was trying to get all that
taken care of and squared away and I
want to do it all right you guys and so
I am so hot I just got done um scrubbing
my little area of my room I stripped my
bed and I'm washing the blanket on it
now and then I'm gonna start my
pillowcases and wash those and spraying
everything down with peppermint because
I found an ant crawling on me earlier
and I'm like nope if there's one there's
a million and I don't care where that
million is at but it we're going to find
it we're going to spray it so um I wiped
everything down with disinfectant
white bees and clean clean clean um kind
of doesn't even look like it I mean it
does but it doesn't look like it because
like my shelf over here with all my
vinyl stuff is just like still piling up
I'm just like um I think I'm gonna need
another uh I'm gonna need another shelf
I think cuz it's getting pretty high up
there and I wanted to go which I don't
think it would but you never know um so
anyway so I did that and then as you
guys seen so my other person that I
contracted to do merch with his pink
fairy so if you have not heard of her
channel I would jump over and check her
out she is amazing I absolutely adore
her she's got a beautiful channel as
well as life by gin both of them ladies
are absolutely amazing in every way that
I can imagine like I could not say
enough good things about them and it's
still not even make a dent because they
are just that amazing and I couldn't be
more honored that I get to participate
and design their merch for them and for
their channels because if you have a
channel you understand that your channel
is a very important thing and you put a
lot of effort and time and energy into
that channel if you want it to be
something that's going to be successful
and that's how I feel when doing merch
it takes me a very I mean doesn't take
me a long time but a lot of thought goes
into each channel with their merch
because just as if I was having somebody
create my merch I would want them to do
it within their heart and see my channel
is just as important as I do and that's
my biggest thing as anybody that
approaches me and I'm not just talking
merch for channels I'm talking
individual orders as well every order
that I get and I make I make it
completely from my heart because every
thing that I touch
and I give that to somebody I want them
to look at it and be like I'm special
because she thought of me while making
this and I'm not trying to toot my horn
I'm just saying like I want every
individual that has a something from me
to feel special because that's what you
are and so every order that I do I take
immense amount of time because it's very
very important that every item that
touches somebody that they feel the love
because that's what I'm I want to do for
everybody and that goes into other
people's channels as well you know I
care and love every supporter that's on
everybody's channel and so it's
important to me that as I get these
businesses launched and their lines
launched that my philosophy continues
that every every person that makes a
purchase as special and I couldn't like
I said I couldn't be more honored to be
asked to be a participant of it so yeah
that is what I've been working on for
the last probably about week and a half
to two weeks I've been working on pink
fairies and you know in hers is my first
merch line so of course it was a little
bit more learning as well as into it so
you know there was a lot that I studied
on it because I really want to do
everything the right way and make it as
professional as possible eventually I
would love to be able to branch out and
get my own website and that way then I
can branch from each line that I am
designing would have a piece of that
website to launch their merchandise on
but at this point right now websites can
be fairly expensive and so I'm just
doing it the the best way that I know
how and so I'm really hoping that this
doesn't get confusing to anybody and
that everybody you know knows that they
can contact me through my email contact
me through my phone number text me when
your order everything and then all
payments are done through PayPal so it's
a secured
payment process so yeah it's been
exciting though I am just this journey
just has brought me into a whole
different level of mind thinking and I
didn't think that it was gonna do that
and it's not in a bad way
it's in a way of the best way that I can
describe it is you're like a bubble and
like you know you're blowing bubbles and
you have that one bubble that just kind
of is floating and it really has you
know it there's a meaning for it to be
there because you blew it so it's there
for a reason but it's kind of in its own
lonely State and it's not surrounded
around any other bubbles there's no
other bubbles close to it it's just kind
of floating and then it just kind of
pairs up with a whole bunch of bubbles
and becomes a big bubble and then it
becomes even more because you watch that
bubble keep growing as the bubbles pile
on to the other bubble and you're just
like you know and that's kind of how I
feel as my channel has been monetized
and my subscribing number has gone up
and I'm reaching so many messages from
people and all the support encouragement
I feel like my bubble is finally
becoming validated and I feel like I
have a sense here now I I feel like I'm
not just a channel I feel like I'm
starting to be recognized and that makes
me feel so good because all my all my
life I've always looked to be recognized
for being an individual but now I'm
being able to be recognized for
something that I love to do which is be
able to share my journey and share my
experiences and share stories and you
know things that could possibly help
just even one other person it makes
everything worth what I do and it just I
don't know how to describe it other than
I felt like that lonely bubble for so
long and now I feel like I have became a
part of something that I've always
dreamed to be a part of but never
ever in my wildest dreams ever thought I
would get there I didn't think I was
worthy enough I you know I've always
second-guessed myself you know am I
really worth it are people gonna find me
interesting are they gonna think I'm a
joke I I carry a lot of guilt when like
for instance talking about yesterday
like the scale scene that I was for 32
immediately the the feeling of failure
popped over me and it wasn't so much the
failure of myself so much as I was
letting a failure of you guys down
because it's so important to me to be
able to show you guys that I am serious
and I take my journeys so serious and I
don't take your guys's words for granted
and I take your guys's support
encouragement and even your guys's you
know advice and I really work with
everything and I try to do my ultimate
best because I don't want to ever look
like a failure to somebody because I
never ever ever want to be that failure
and so when I weighed yesterday and I
seen that it just put me in like a
mindset of and it kind of went
throughout the entire day it really kind
of just ran my day yesterday of just
that word failure kept popping through
my my mind and as much as I kept trying
to run it off I just kept seeing a
brighter brighter brighter and I kept
asking myself Amy are you a failure and
I would answer back no I know I'm not I
know I'm doing what I'm supposed to do
am ia human do I sometimes mess up of
course and it's not called messing up
because this is my life you know I mean
every human being is gonna have days
where they may eat a little bit more
than other days some days your body may
need a little extra of something and it
doesn't mean just because I'm eating
that that I'm a failure but
statistically looking at it I know that
I'm up against a lot a lot
thousands mmm
and trillions of other obese people and
we all suffer from the same things and
that's the fear of failure and I've
worked so hard to not allow myself to
fill that but some days I become a
little bit more weaker than others and
yesterday was just one of those days
where I just I really beat myself up and
I was really mean with myself you know
and put myself down and called myself
names and you know sahabat not sabotage
myself as in I went and binge because
normally that's what I would do I would
have seen that the scale went up and the
first thing I would have did was say oh
forget it obviously my skills going up
so whatever I'm doing is not working
even if it's a couple pounds I'm gonna
go in there and I'm gonna go and I'm
gonna shove some food and she self shove
some more food because that's how I cope
with my feeling of failure is if I'm
gonna fill it I'm going to make it and I
didn't do that yesterday I did not I did
not in fact I grabbed my phone and
started vlogging to you guys and telling
you guys my frustration with myself
because I didn't want to have that binge
moment but see I suffer with binge
disorder so more than likely had I not
grabbed my phone and started vlogging
and talking to you guys about my
feelings and talking to you guys about
what I was going through at that very
moment I could have found myself in the
kitchen
Benji that very moment because even
though I'm dealing with it I am a work
in progress and it still is there and it
always will be there it's gonna be
something I have to constantly remind
myself of and know that you know I'm I'm
better than the bench I'm better than
that feeling of stuffing myself to the
point I can't breathe and literally I
feel like you know when I walk I have to
waddle because my stomach feels like
it's going to explode and I can't lay
down because the pressure of my my stuff
hurt so bad I haven't had that episode
in months and quite frankly I don't want
to have an episode of that you know I
didn't enjoy those fillings I didn't I
for a very long time when I very start
very first started my journey I remember
all II would have to remind me sometimes
it's okay Amy if you don't want to
finish all your food because to me I had
to finish everything on my plate whether
I wanted it or whether I didn't whether
I was stuffed to the point of hurting I
still would eat it because it was on my
plate so I had to eat it and it took me
I would say probably a good three months
to really every night at dinner tell
myself I would check in it say okay how
much more hungry RR am I am I really
hungry or is a mental hungry and then I
would check myself and be like no I'm
really feeling pretty good okay then get
up and just go put your plate away go
throw it down the sink go throw it in
the garbage whatever you got to do
you're done and go wash your hands and
go find something else to do and I and
it took me about three months to do that
with doing that you know and some nights
were better than other nights I'm gonna
say there are still nights that I was
you know just shoving and shoving and
still I'll find Molly sometimes you know
even like tonight I was eating dinner
and and mind you I today I did really
well so for breakfast I had a half a
turkey sandwich because my daughter took
my other half and then I had oh and I
had my tea that I have every morning I
didn't eat nothing for lunch I just I
was so busy working I forgot to eat oops
and then about three three three 30-ish
I had about a cup of baby carrots and
about two tablespoons of ranch
and even with that my kids took half of
it and then for dinner tonight I had on
a flat bagel I had a beef patty with one
slice of cheddar cheese a little dab of
ketchup and then I had some air fried
fries and a little bit of ketchup and so
that's all I've had all day today and
I'll Ollie I was finishing up my my
fries and you know I had just a regular
Tsarina fries and I remember him saying
honey if you're done you don't have to
eat it all and I looked at them like boy
shall we have a showdown here
he was like I'm just saying I just said
I said do you have to remind me anymore
and he's like no and I'm like okay I am
well aware of where my tummy is right
now and I'm okay I know when I can stop
but see that's been our road that's been
our rotation rotation that's been our
routine if I can speak right um you know
he always would remind me hey if you're
fool you don't have to eat it all and
even back then oh he would almost lose a
finger if he thought he was going to
take my plate from me before I was done
then it got to the point like okay you
know I'm done I'm done I don't need no
more but there are nights where I'm a
little bit extra hungry and like tonight
I was a little bit more hungry but I
haven't eaten all day pretty much so I
had plenty enough calories to eat my
whole dinner and I was still okay and I
when I got off the table I felt
perfectly satisfied I wasn't stuffed
I wasn't full I just was satisfied and
it was just funny the way that he was
like I'm just asking haha I was like boy
oh yeah best get away from me right now
but no it's just I have to really work
on the abusing myself in this sense of
like emotionally and verbally abusing
myself like in my brain I will call
myself all the names that I think I
deserve to be called and it's not fair
it's not fair to my heart I would never
do that to somebody
so why is it okay to do it to myself
it's not I need to be compassion to
myself as well as if I was being
compassionate to somebody else you know
my heart deserves to be just as you know
cared for as anybody else's heart and so
I just have to constantly remind myself
that because that's been like a big
struggle for me I think yesterday and
today has been the biggest is just you
know feeling that that deep down moment
of gaining and you know it's so it's
heart-wrenching because it's like you
know I asked myself today should I weigh
in tomorrow because I already weighed in
yesterday and I seen that I had gained
is it worth a weigh-in but I have never
missed a weigh-in with you guys and I'm
not gonna start now like even if it's a
game it's a game like I can't change it
I'm honest with you guys no matter what
whether it's I lost seven pounds or I
gained seven pounds it's it's where my
body is at and there's no excuse for it
other than I really have some things
that I had to change which one if you
notice I didn't mention nothing about
the granola and the granola sitting
right over there on my dresser on top of
the blanket of s for us and it's gonna
go out in the living room the kids can
have it but um they brought it in here
actually today and I don't know if
that's what was kind of bringing the
aunts but and all he even asked me to he
was like oh did you have any other core
knowledge I was like nope didn't even
touch it and I'm not going to I don't
need it I really don't I don't really
need to be snacking you know again if
I'm gonna snack I can have carrots or
something like that but I don't need to
snack I had a wonderful dinner tonight
that was very fulfilling and very you
know I had my burger and the fries and
it was all healthy so no reason to have
to snack and stuff and you know and I
have my tea and things like that that if
I really want something a little bit
sweet my sweet tea that zero calories is
perfect so anyways that was kind of my
day just kind of a just one of those
days where I just have to really work
with him in myself
and again I just can't thank you guys
all enough you guys have just been so
amazing and I did want to touch base
with you guys as well with responding
back to comments I am going to continue
to do as very much as I can you guys I
think it's very very very important to
acknowledge everybody's comments that
are coming through because I absolutely
love that and but I don't want you guys
to feel like oh she's not gonna get back
to our comments you know she's gonna
start just hardiness and how not getting
to him no no that's not how it works but
what I am gonna say is to be honest this
morning I sat for three and a half hours
respawning back to messages and I
successfully think I got to most of them
but my I started kind of crossing so I
finally was like okay I think I got to
suffer a little bit and then I went back
to it a little bit later on this evening
and I spent about an hour responding
back to messages but I just want to let
you guys know that no matter what even
if you guys write a message and I
haven't gotten back to you I will I
promise it's just that now I'm starting
to receive a lot of messages which I
love and I love it and I love being able
to touch base with everybody and learn
so much new things and you guys have
such great advice and I absolutely
absolutely absolutely love it so just
please don't ever feel like oh I'm gonna
you know I don't want to waste my time
messaging she's just not gonna get back
to me I am gonna get back to you and I
read them for sure
it's just because my time is running
like today I did actually sleep in a
little bit later which again I don't
know if maybe it just was from
everything just why to yesterday that
flew into today a little bit but I
didn't get up until 9 o'clock which is
kind of late for me and so by the time I
sat down to start reading our message
reading messages and responding back it
was like close to 10:00 and I didn't get
time until almost 1:00 I want to say was
like 120 and then I had to go straight
into working on my vinyl business so
I've literally been at my computer since
10 o'clock this morning and I'm just
like ah so I'm really really really
gonna stress the fact that I am really
seriously gonna try and reach back to
anybody if there is a message that you
guys are wanting to get to me and it's
like a very important message please
please please please please email me I
give my email message notifications
quicker than I see the messages on
YouTube not that I don't get the
messages on YouTube like I said I still
get them but I might be falling behind a
little bit because of just I don't know
if I'm gonna always have three hours in
the morning to sit down and respond back
to messages even though I would love to
and you know I could wake up at like
probably like 5:00 a.m. and start
responding back to messages so by the
time I start my day I could do that but
it just depends because a lot of times
mean always stay up until about one
o'clock in the morning so I'm just
trying to like figure out my scheduling
here where does my schedule go but it's
just important to me that you guys all
know that you're very very very
important to me and very special to me
and I don't want anybody to feel like
just because I got monetized that my
attitudes gonna change all right
channels gonna change because none of
that's gonna change everything that has
been going on it's gonna continue to go
on my philosophies are the same my
visions the same the only thing that has
changed is just the excitement has
gotten even more because it's like now
it's gotten real that's the only thing
that's changed with me oh and then one
other thing update blood work came back
and you guys my blood work came back and
everything is in the normal range that
means my glucose came back normal
my liver count came back normal my
thyroid count came back normal
what else was there I can't remember the
the liver all of what I was checked for
and the panel was normal so I am so
excited that even my glucose level that
was a little bit remember I told you
guys a while back that it was like
teetering that kind of he could say that
I was pre-diabetic but he didn't want to
say it because he didn't want to label
at that yeah now she said it's far far
down she's
you have nothing to worry about I was
like oh my god thank you so yeah so for
all the the poking and prodding and all
that good stuff everything came back
normal so that was a good news um
remember the 25th 25th I gotta make sure
I got my calendar the 25th yes 5 p.m.
I'm going to be live to do our giveaway
for the month of January
pull us continue to get in the good that
many uh uh my gosh I can't think you're
good family dinners I couldn't think
about it there for a minute
um continue to keep getting those in
because I am going to really try and get
those written down I've got a sift
through my messages to try and find them
all because I know that there is some
that people wrote and I didn't write
them down I seen them and I was like oh
that's how so good and then I forgot to
write him down so now I gotta go back
and look at my messages but it's ok I'll
get it and then also I'm going to there
was something else I was going to do
cannot remember because I didn't write
it down here I got my new replacement
phone it's the same phone but well I had
to go in and read put everything so yeah
that was fun fun not but Amy forgot to
write everything down in my calendar for
the new calendars so yeah I got some
remembering too I have to do tonight and
tomorrow but anyways I am going to close
here you guys I hope you guys had a
wonderful evening and well wonderful day
and evening and I will check in with you
guys tomorrow bright and shiny in the
morning until then you guys check check
in let me start it over I'm gonna start
all over
no really I'm not I will check in with
you guys tomorrow bright and shiny in
the morning until then sweet dreams
